


Herp D'erps (It's Pronounced Orderves)

by F-117 Nighthawk (F117_Nighthawk)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Appetizers, Fluff, M/M, Swearing, or better known as hors d'œuvres, probably excessively but i'm seriously upset, this is purely an outporing of my own incredulity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 01:40:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12354774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F117_Nighthawk/pseuds/F-117%20Nighthawk
Summary: Lance and Keith are sent to do the food shopping for a banquet.AKA: What happens when words are not phonetic





	Herp D'erps (It's Pronounced Orderves)

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally me ranting about the word hors d'œuvres because English is _stupid._  
>  Also yes I know I spelled it right exactly once that was on purpose.  
> speaking of which you know what else is not phonetic? purpose. and horizontal.
> 
> don't get me started on silent ts what the fuck
> 
> fuckin hors d'œuvres what the fuck that word is _not orderves what the FUCK_

Keith had never planned a party before. Well, he wasn’t exactly planning it this time, but he had to do a lot more work than he had ever done before. Either way, he had no idea what he was doing. Okasan had never planned a party for more than seven people, the Castle normally had seven people and what parties they held were small, nothing in comparison to this venture. It had been one year since the Coalition had begun and Allura had decided a grand banquet was in order. Somehow, the Paladins had been dragged into helping get everything together. 

“Great, okay, Lance, Keith, you’ll be in charge of getting the food Hunk planned out today. Here’s a list categorized by type. Make sure you get everything!”

Keith barely had time to grab the list from Allura before his boyfriend dragged him out into the Space Mall. “Keith do you think they have an Earth store like the last one did?”

“No idea, Lance, but we’re not getting another cow. We can barely take care of Kaltenecker.”

“Aww, don’t you think she could use some company?”

Keith sent a mock glare at him and looked down at the list. “First up is fruit, although we should probably get non-perishables first. Do they  _ have _ perishables in space?”

Lance shrugged and stopped by the map. “There’s two grocery stores on here, the closest is bigger. Shall we try there first?”

Keith glanced down the middle of the mall then back at Lance. “I guess. You’re not looking for an Earth store?”

“Already did.” He sounded slightly sad. Keith turned and looked up at his face. What exactly was he supposed to do here? Comfort Lance? This didn’t seem like a situation that needed the whole routine. Maybe just a distraction? After a moment Keith leaned up and pecked him on the cheek, then proceeded towards the nearer grocery store. Lance, sputtering and red faced, followed him. 

“You can’t just  _ do _ that, Keith!”

“Why not?” Keith smirked, grabbing a shopping cart.

“Because-because-because you just can’t!”

“If you dish it out you gotta take it, Lance.”

Lance continued sputtering for a moment before he grabbed the shopping cart from Keith, turned him around, and kissed him. “There.”

It was Keith’s turn to stand there red faced as Lance pranced into the store with the shopping cart. 

“That color looks good on you, Keithy-cat!”

Thoroughly flustered, Keith followed Lance into the store and focused his eyes on the list. 

The found the isea shoot easily enough, as well as the araran and hodfde, but they had to ask for the aluluranin and totansis. When he found the knyus first Keith gave Lance a triumphant kiss. Lance soon returned it when he found the bantha meat, so Keith made it his mission to find the dynio bacon first. He and Lance found it at the same time, but Keith distracted Lance with a kiss and managed to get it in the cart first.

“Hey! No fair!” Lance swooped in and kissed him again.

“Yes fair.”

“Mmmmmmm. Fine,” Lance surrendered, having not leaned back up, “What’s next so I can beat you again.”

“In your dreams,” Keith said, pulling the list out of his pocket. He stared at the next category in a mix of horror and confusion.

Lance’s voice had a note of concern in it. “Keith?”

“What the fuck are hors deovours?”

“What?”

Keith stuck the list out to Lance. Lance took it and scanned down it before he burst out laughing. “Keith, Keith those are hors d'œuvres.”

Keith blinked at him. “Noooo? Orderves are not hours deovuourse. That is  _ not _ how it’s spelled.”

Lance was trying and failing to hide his laughter. “Sorry to break it to ya, Keith, but that is how it’s spelled.”

“No it’s not! Horse devoures is  _ not _ the same word as orderves!”

“It says cheese sticks, crackers, lilih, and hgfa right below it. Those are all appetizers.”

_ “THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.” _

“Context clues, Keith!”

_ “CONTEXT CLUES DON’T GIVE PRONUNCIATION AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THOSE ARE THE SAME WORD.” _

Lance was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe at this point. Keith crossed his arms and pouted at him. “Orderves is not spelled hours devoourouros what the  _ fuck.” _ He stalked off to find the cheese sticks, Lance trailing after him, wheezing.

* * *

 

“It’s not fucking  _ horse devours  _ what the  _ fuck  _ that’s  _ not the word.” _

A moment of silence.

_ “Fucking horror dinosaurs.” _

Snickering laughter. 

_ “Horse dove raptors what the fuck.” _

More laughter.

“Oh eat it up Lance, stop joking  _ it’s not fuckin hornet dentures.” _

Wheezing noises.

“Here’s the agragape, what’s the last thing and don’t you  _ dare say horny dextrose.” _

Gasping for breath.

_ “Horticulture deportation.” _

Sound of something falling over as it is leaned on.

_ “Horizontal dehydration.” _

_ “Oh my god you did it to horizontal too.” _

“List, Lance.”

More wheezing laughter, paper changing hands.

“Whannty, okay. At least it’s not  _ fucking horrid devise.” _

Stomping noises mixed with laughter.

_ “Fuckin hording decibel.” _

More stomping.

“That’s the last thing. We’re checking out before you pass out from laughter and I need to consult Shiro to make sure you’re not playing some collective joke on me because  _ orderves is not herbal derelict.” _

Keith muttered his way through the checkout, while Lance finally calmed himself down slightly.  _ “Herring derivation. Heredity dermoid.” _

“Oh come on, Keith,” Lance said as they walked back towards the Castle.

He continued muttering.  _ “Hermit derated. Heron derail.” _

“Seriously, it’s just a  _ word.” _

_ “Herpes derby.” _

Lance snorted again. “Okay that was a good one. Are you just making this up now?”

Keith quieted for a while after that. Lance kept looking over at him, slightly concerned about how this had been going on and just how  _ angry _ Keith was.

“It’s a French loan word, Keith.”

“Then it gets pronounced according to  _ English rules _ or  _ changes spelling  _ because  _ what the fuck.” _

“English really doesn’t have any rules. Believe me, I grew up with both Spanish and English and Spanish is  _ much easier to pronounce. _ ”

Keith huffed and dropped his bags in front of the Castle doors. “Well  _ fuck English _ and  _ fuck French _ because  _ orderves is not fucking herp d’erps what the fuck.” _

* * *

Shiro opened the door several minutes later to find Lance rolling on the floor gasping with laughter and Keith looking down at him, still muttering. ”What’s going on here?”

“Shiro, thank god, how do you spell “orderves”?”

Shiro blinked at his brother but said “H-o-r-s d-'-o-e-u-v-r-e-s.”

_ “WHAT THE FUCK.” _


End file.
